Monday, April 26, 2010

Where to go from here...

Well it has been a while since my last post and a lot has happen and nothing has happen. After many discussions with Joe about adopting and where I feel my heart is, I sense that he is agreeable but not pro-adoption. So I weigh my thoughts and feelings on the matter and decide to be a strong mother and move forward knowing he will love this child regardless because that is just how Joe is. Then I see the article about the boy who was returned to Russia this month and the possibility of suspension on all Russian adoptions and I just can't help but question my desire to put so much at risk to fulfill my own wishes and desires. What if we were to spend all this money to just to have some crazy lady do some thing stupid and shut down the process? Probably highly unlikely but I couple that with the stress on our marriage of going through this process and with the high possibility of FASD and I just have to resign to the fact that this isn't going to happen for me. I find it difficult to move on. At this point I have decided to try to get pregnant but at almost 39 years old I just don't know how likely that is. I often question my ability to parent another infant and if this is the right thing to do? Or should I move on and find another passion in life to fill the void of my third child? Last week I started a Russian history course and I am so excited about the idea of learning more and more about this. I want to learn the language and travel and I really have time for a baby???

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