Where to go from here...

Well it has been a while since my last post and a lot has happen and nothing has happen. After many discussions with Joe about adopting and where I feel my heart is, I sense that he is agreeable but not pro-adoption. So I weigh my thoughts and feelings on the matter and decide to be a strong mother and move forward knowing he will love this child regardless because that is just how Joe is. Then I see the article about the boy who was returned to Russia this month and the possibility of suspension on all Russian adoptions and I just can't help but question my desire to put so much at risk to fulfill my own wishes and desires. What if we were to spend all this money to just to have some crazy lady do some thing stupid and shut down the process? Probably highly unlikely but I couple that with the stress on our marriage of going through this process and with the high possibility of FASD and I just have to resign to the fact that this isn't going to happen for me. I find it difficult to move on. At this point I have decided to try to get pregnant but at almost 39 years old I just don't know how likely that is. I often question my ability to parent another infant and if this is the right thing to do? Or should I move on and find another passion in life to fill the void of my third child? Last week I started a Russian history course and I am so excited about the idea of learning more and more about this. I want to learn the language and travel and volunteer...do I really have time for a baby???

Siblings

I was listening to a blog this week titled "Mega Families" you know the type...8 or more kids. They were discussing the pros and cons of large families. This lead me to reminiscing about my own childhood. Although I did not come from a "mega family", there were 5 kids on a very tight budget. At the age of 13 I can remember dreading the fact that I knew my parents were wanting another baby. This meant more chores and more babysitting! As an adult though, I think of my siblings and wonder where I would be without them? Friends are great and friends can come and go but there is no one there for you in a crisis like family! I love that we all live close and I love that I have a special bond with each one. That's not to say we haven't had our moments/years but that's what makes the bond so strong. It's thoughts like this that tell me adding to our family is essential!

FASD Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder

I have spent over a year studying this and reading anything and everything I can about FASD. Here is my conclusion... I believe that Russians drink a lot! I believe that most women don't realize how the alcohol affects their unborn baby. I believe that the majority of the children in the orphanage fall somewhere on the Fetal Alcohol Spectrum. Everyone wants a healthy child but if your heart is drawn towards adopting from Eastern Europe you need to be prepared to handle the brain damage that may have resulted from the alcohol. What I have seen in my research is that children that are affected severely will have major struggles. However the kids that are viewed as low to average risk seem to do quite well. I have seen some parents report signs of ADHD, SPD, Speech Delays, Memory issues, and Auditory Processing Disorders. I'm sure there are others that struggle with attachment and a few other things but for the most part these kids are doing well. I believe I am capable of caring for a child with some of these issues. And I get the added bonus of the joy they will bring to my life and knowing I have made a difference in their life. So after all this research I feel like I am ready to take that risk and I look forward to meeting my daughter.

I started this post last year but did not finish it until 2/23/11.

Friends

This is a shout out to my girlfriends (and family) - thanks for being a part of my life. Girlfriends have always been an important part of my life but since staying home with my kids, my girlfriends are my life line. I love filling my week with girl time. Whether it's meeting Andrea for coffee or a play date at McDonald's with Becky and the kids, it just makes me feel alive! So to Deanna, Emmy, Charlyne, Ryan, Mom and Dad, Andrea, Becky, Erica, Angie, Krista, Kim, Romney and Steph (even if it's just a phone call)....I hope I didn't forget anyone? You guys are awesome and life wouldn't be near as fun without you!!!

Thoughts on adding to our family....

I had my first child at the age of 32 and my second at the age of 35. Both are happy and healthy kids that I love dearly. After becoming a stay at home mom I often thought about whether we were done adding to our family. I knew I wanted more kids but struggled with the idea of taking on more responsibility/chaos. However it just felt like something was missing. If we were blessed with another baby I wouldn't have that one-on-one time with Jax that I was looking so forward to once Brett went to school. I would miss out on volunteering at the boys' school. Our activities would once again be limited until the new one got to be about 2 or 3, which would mean Brett would be almost 10. It just seemed that to have another family member meant giving up a lot too. I think there are always trade offs but with me being 38 and already having 2 beautiful/healthy children was it worth the risk? Then one day I was watching "Adoption Stories" on TLC. A couple was adopting an infant from Guatemala. Joe was working from home so I peaked my head in and said..."What do you think about adopting a baby from Guatemala?" His response was..."well I don't know about Guatemala but how about Russia? We could get a basketball player!" Not an odd response at all if you know Joe. So that was all it took, the ball was in motion. I started researching agencies. Road block #1: The cost to adopt a child from Russia can cost between 45k - 55k. How would we ever afford that! Well the wheels in my head started spinning and I came up with some ways to bring that cost within reason. Road block #2: Convincing Joe we should do this. Russian adoption seemed like the perfect solution to my struggles to add on to the family. I wouldn't have to go through pregnancy, we would have insight into the health of the child prior to adoption, the process takes about 18 months to 2 years which meant that I could still have the one on one time with Jax which was so important, I could have a daughter which was very appealing, and she would be almost 2 before we brought her home which meant that within a year she would be ready to roll with these active boys. Initially Joe's reservations were around the financials of adopting then changed to concerns about Russia's corruption and our family's safety and lastly (and by far the biggest) the health of the children. Which leads me to our third road block and where we are today... the health of the children. There are so many health issues that institutionalized and adopted children face. Here is a link to a list of health issues Internationally Adopted Children can face http://www.orphandoctor.com/medical/general/health_issues.html. In addition, the children can face attachment issues. If you can imagine bringing home a 2 year old from the local daycare and trying to form a bond with them? It's even harder for an institutionalized child because they've never had a bond with someone. They have never been held while being fed. They were never rocked to sleep. And I can't talk about health issues without mentioning Fetal Alcohol Syndrome which for me is the biggest road block in this entire process. I'm planning to write an entire post on that alone.

With all that being said, It has been 5 months now since I started my adoption research and I feel that I have grown as a person. Even if we never adopt I'm a better person for having gone through this process and educated myself. I will be a more giving person with a calling to make a difference in one way or another.

So if we don't proceed with the adoption, where does that leave us in the decision to grow our family? I will give my thoughts on this in another post.

Weekend to remember...

So last Thursday Joe headed to Hoxie with Jaxon which left Brett and I with the house to ourselves. So Thursday evening Brett ask to eat dinner at Taco Bell which led to me waking up at 3am to a child throwing up all over my bedroom quilt. He appeared better in the morning so I went to spend the day with him at his school. These are the perks of staying home with your kids that are just priceless! After school we headed to Power Play where we scored a whopping 400 tickets. After that we headed back to the house for a nap and then out to see "Tooth Fairy" which we both loved! The next day we we made a trip to the post office then Brett had his first experience at a laundry mat. We played a little "Ms. Pac Man", watched some Olympics, got some junk from the vending machine and then our tour of laundry mat hell was over. Our next stop was Old Navy where we were in search of a Texas Longhorns shirt in Brett's size which we were lucky enough to find at the 3rd store we stopped at. The rest of the weekend we spent over at Mick's house and playing on the computer. I really cherished this time with Brett. It reminded me of times that him and I spent together before Jax was born. Such a wonderful mother son closeness. I just love him so much...his smile could brighten anyones day!

Why Blog?

While doing adoption research over the past several months I have read tons of blogs some of which stopped after the adoption and some that had continued over several years. I have found myself inspired by some of the blogs that I have come across. You see prior to having children I enjoyed the creative outlet of scrapbooking. Once Brett was born the idea of dedicating an hour per page just wasn't realistic and I lost interest. I have also noticed since I have started staying home with my kids that I don't take near as many photos as I once did and that makes me sad. When I worked I would catch my self telling co-workers storys of the kids and that was my key to jot them down but since staying home I don't seem to have the same reminder and one day just turns in to the next. So my goal is to use this blog to keep track of my thoughts, feelings and happenings as I raise my little ones. This is such a special time and I don't want to forget it.