I debated whether or not to write about this but I figure why not be open, a blog is supposed to be all about our thoughts. Prior to starting the adoption process I spent many months going back and forth with myself as to whether or not we should pursue this adoption. I read a lot of stuff on the internet that terrified me. But then I would read blogs where the people really looked happy and the kids looked happy. We eventually decided to move forward and things got really exciting. I couldn’t move through the paperwork stage fast enough. At the end of May the paperwork was done and all we had to do was sit back and wait for a referral. Well what do you do when you have time to waste?? I started reading the internet again and started to get cold feet. You know, the fear that I’m going to destroy my family with a child that turns out to be more than I can handle. All logic said what are you doing?? Jax will be in school soon and you will have time to yourself to get organized, you can take cooking classes, volunteer at the school. We could invest the money we saved for the adoption and be financially more secure. All of that sounds so great but something inside was still driving me to pursue this child that was going to be so difficult to bring home and may hate me for the first year that she is here. I couldn’t understand why I kept going through the motions to move forward with this. So I decided that enough was enough and I picked up the phone and actually called some adoptive parents instead of just reading blogs. I have now spoken to 7 adoptive moms. Most of the moms I spoke to were super excited to talk to me about adoption and all but one spoke highly of their experience. One mom told me that she had the same worries, “what if this happens or what if this goes wrong”…then she said “Crystal, what if it’s the greatest thing you have ever done”. That really resonated with me. I have spent so much time trying to find something on the internet that is going to tell me that everything will be okay. It’s just not out there. I wanted to write this so that other PAP’s will know that if you are having these same thoughts I think they are probably normal.